"The Girl Who Can't Be Moved"

It's been a year, my love. Since I left and broke you into pieces. It's been a year when I made myself believe that I'm better off without you, that I'm fine and had moved on in an instant. And it's been a year that I managed to pretend that I don't get hurt whenever I think of us, of you, of every what if's and could-have-beens. And it's been few months since the night that you made me realize how much distance made me fall in love with you more than I ever felt when we were still together. The same night you admitted you finally gave up on me, and starting a new life with someone else.

I broke your heart, but I am the one who isn't really moving on. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. Not because I regret giving you up back then, but because our memories through thickness and thin is what's keeping me alive since the day I killed myself. The day I broke your heart.

I didn't broke up with you because I want to move on. I broke up with you, because I want you to take me back when you finally made yourself whole without depending on me.

Just let me be. Let me smile with the memories I kept on rewinding on my mind. The laughters we had shared. Let me learn how to finally not get hurt whenever I reminisce those endless fights, painful discoveries, those times you hurt me, those instances you tried to lied when I already know the truth.

I don't want to move on, not yet. Until the day I meet someone who's willing to heal my soul, and accept the scars you left in me. I don't want to forget all the things we have shared for those are the things that gave me strength to carry on. For I don't want to forget that magical moments I smiled when I'm with you.

I'm not moving on, for what we are is a beautiful mess. A masterpiece I kept on staring at. We were so good, our imperfections made us a perfect pair. But our egos stained our perfections. I know we have failed to preserve the beauty of our masterpiece. We may have passed the test of time by staying and getting back together after a couple of storms we met along the way, but I admit, I'm the one who got tired. Tired of all your lies, of your immature demands, of you being inconsiderate of my feelings, of you making feel less by not respecting me as a woman, of me playing the role of a guy who should handle our relationship. I got exhausted acting like a Knight when I was supposed to be the Princess you should be saving. You know how I tried to save us, how I tried to save you from falling apart by breaking myself. I hope you understood why I took a stand and finally had the guts to save myself by turning my back on you.

I don't want to move on, not because I want you back and steal you from her, but because I am still in love with you. And I'm still in love with the idea of falling in love with you, though I know you belongs to her now, and that I am just the heartless ex-girlfriend who left you broken hearted. I've had enough of pretending, so let me be true to myself this time.

I'm not moving on. No I'm not hurting myself. I'm just being brave by touching my wounds until I feel no pain anymore. I'm doing this because I don't want to bear hatred against you. I admit, I sometimes blame you for not taking care of us, for giving up on me just like that even though you know I always come back. I always blame you for giving me all the reasons to give up on you when I gave you all the reasons to be strong for us, for the future we painted once.

That's why I don't want to move on yet, unless I learn to accept we are really not meant for each other.

For now, let me write about us, how I fell in love with you and how I broke your heart. How you fell in love with her, and how I can't fall out of love with you. Let me use our failed happy ending as an inspiration to write. To inspire and to let other people realize that not all who left and gave up are happy with their decisions. That sometimes, not all those who loves each other are meant to be together until the end. That love isn't always enough to make someone stay.

I'm sorry but I can't move on, not just yet. Until I find someone who would made me realize why I was right to leave you. Someone who could give justice to the sacrifice I have endured. Someone who won't let me get away from him. A guy who's willing to give me all the reason to stay, even if I tried to give him all the reason to give me up.

I love you, I still do. But at the same time, I am truly, sincerely happy for you, because your happiness, is mine as well.

I love you, but I am still waiting for that someone that would give me the happiness that I deserved. The happiness that won't involve you anymore. And when that day comes, I know that it would be the day I decided to finally move on.